Update: May 23rd
Today I got It. I was at Johnny's house and I went to the bathroom and there was blood all over my underwear. I wanted to jump and scream with joy because now I am no longer rendered totally lame by my own DNA. Finally, my DNA is doing something good for me. I feel at one with my DNA. I want to hug it and scream and jump for joy. Unfortunately, I was at Johnny's house. I went through the bathroom cabinet hoping that his mother kept her tampons there. I couldn't find any, although there was a rocking bottle of valium. I stuck toilet paper in my underwear and brought the valium out to Johnny. I felt it was only right to share. We got totally flattened and lay around in his living room. I got up to put more toilet paper in my underwear and he said, "What the hell is that?" I had bled through my distressed jeans and onto the couch. The Johnsons just had it upholstered in white last week. Oops.
I didn't get It after all. I was hemorrhaging. Turns out, you aren't supposed to stick pinto beans into your vagina while masturbating.
Hell, now I know. And knowing's half the battle.
I have to pay for the couch.
So many lawns, so little time.